awesome. brad just asked us how mad we would be if he moved out. 

i just. i’m so mad right now. like its really hard for me to not rage right now. like i can feel it boiling underneath my skin. ready to burst.

its not even the money, well it is the money. but that’s not the big part of it. its the fact that i cant believe he would be willing to fuck us over. we got a 2 bedroom for him. we have been paying for everything for the past month because he deosnt have a job. we dont have to help him out. ive been buying him starbucks, food, gas. i buy groceries and dont ask him for money. i dont bug him about money. 

i just damn! i dont even know. and even if he wasnt plannig on it, even if he was just thinking about it, it chnages things. like i cant see him the same way anymore. he’s not the same person. i feel like maybe you really cant trust anyone. all you have is family. and even sometimes they betray you and forget about you. and id say nathan, but he forgets me to sometimes.  

so maybe we are meant to be alone. born alone, live alone, and die alone. what’s the point? 

im just so done with this shit. 

going to bed. goodnight

I do t want to go back to work. I hate people.

Work is work. I kind of like it. I’m excited to finish training and just do my thing. I’m going to try really hard to be nice and talk to people. Make my self known. I want to get a promotion as soon as possible. I want to do good.
Some times I still think about josh. And it makes me really sad. I try not to dwell on it.
At chipotle today there was this guy who looked like brant. It might have been him. I could have be him. I tried not to think about it. I hope it wasn’t him. Because I talked to him like I didn’t know him. And hopefully I didn’t know this guy. But it liked just like him. I’m so confused. And I thought that maybe when I saw him again it would have been different. That it would hurt. That I would still feel something. But I felt nothing. Except curiosity. Maybe it wasn’t him. Ill never know. I really don’t know what to think.
I really hate talking to Chris. Like someone I dated 5 years ago should stop trying to talk to me. I get that your lonely. But an ex that’s married should not be an option. And I’m too nice to tell him to leave me alone. But it’s getting really annoying. Really annoying.
Wow. I need to stop talking about all thaws guys. I’m glad no one reads this. I’m glad Nathan can’t read this. He doesn’t need to know any of this. Because nothing will ever happen with anyone else. I wouldn’t ruin my marriage over something like a stupid crush or an ex. This place is just so I can let everything out. Get all thee crazy thoughts out of my head. Out of me. Away from me.

I know Lizzie Bennet Diaries is over, but it just hasn’t hit me yet. I’ve just been so busy with work this week and going out almost every night. By the time I get home I just want to sleep. I can’t focus on the episodes. I can barely keep my eyes open. I’ve had no energy to stalk the lbd tag or read fanfic. 

Today was the first day I even had the energy to open up my laptop but since I move into my new apartment on Monday I don’t have time. There is so much stuff left to pack. So much to clean. And I don’t even know what my room mate wants to keep. So I can’t start on the kitchen.

And lately I’ve been in so much pain. My back and the left side of my hips. I’m in pain almost every second of the day and there is nothing I can do about it. I just suck it up. Because most people don’t care. And the people who do can’t do anything about it. I don’t want anyone feeling bad for me. 

im not happy. but im not sad. its a confusing place to be.

work has me so worn out. and it’s not a physical thing just a mental exhaustion. its only been two days but not getting enough sleep is killing me. and sitting all day is making my back and butt hurt so much. who knew i’d get tired of sitting? 

but seriously being in a classroom all day makes me feel like im back in high school. 

also on a side note. i texted josh and he never texted me back and it makes me sad. but its probably a good thing because every time i see or talk to him my feelings come back and that is just not a good thing

i have a missed call from work. i hope its to remind me about coming in on monday or something like that. not that i failed the drug test. im freaking out. and no answer when i called back. oh god. what if i failed? what am i supposed to do? i need this job. i really really need this job. how could i have failed. it had been like 3 weeks. oh god. oh god. ill call back again at 2. please, please dont let this be bad news.

i am so sad right now. and i don’t even know why. everything is making me cry. i am thinking too much. if nathan weren’t here right now i’d get drunk. if i drink now he’d know something is wrong. why am i sad? i feel like my whole body is sad. every part of me has just givenup trying. even typing this just takes too much effort. im going to bed. maybe when i wake up, this feeling will be gone.

Why did that hug have to last more than 2 seconds? Because now that’s all that I can think about. And I can’t be thinking like that. Because I couldn’t stop looking at him. Because he’s so beautiful. He is a beautiful person. And I hate that he’s sad and hurt. And I want to take all of his pain away. And that hug. I wanted it to last forever.